Exploring Discomfort
THE ESSAY
The average person in the industrialized world lives in unprecedented comfort. Ubiquitous temperature control means we rarely have to feel more than a few degrees warmer or cooler than our body’s preference. An astounding variety of food and drink is available virtually every moment of the day. The proliferation of white-collar jobs means our bodies are at constant rest. And owning a car, which most people do, guarantees the same.
In fact, regularly using a vehicle also ensures that our commutes are done in an isolation chamber, whose noise and temperature we can control with the touch of a button. Ever-expanding dwellings mean we can put more space and distance between our neighbors and even those who live with us, drowning out their noise or keeping them out of view. Increasingly automated services mean awkward or uncertain human interactions can be avoided wholesale.
It makes sense that human beings would strive for comfort. After all, our mind/body is always trying to reach homeostasis. Homeostasis is “the body’s need to reach and maintain a certain state of equilibrium.” It’s the body's job “to monitor and maintain internal states, such as temperature and blood sugar” and ensure they are stable. That’s why human beings develop a tolerance for drugs and alcohol. Even when we chemically alter our state of being, the body strives to return to balance. This balance is comfortable, and that comfort generally signals to our nervous system we are safe and secure.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with the pursuit of comfort. After all, it allows our bodies to rest and restore, which is critical to our physical, mental, and spiritual health. Additionally, having a fundamental sense of security leaves us more available to pursue things we love. Comfort should be embraced and appreciated whenever achieved.
However, there is a danger in habitually choosing comfort, which is becoming easier to do by the day. Comfort is valuable, but discomfort can be an incredible gift and teacher. It’s worth sitting with our discomfort and even pursuing it outright, a lesson that’s expanded me in countless ways over the past few years.
One of my favorite thinkers, Gay Hendricks, says, “Behind every communication problem is a sweaty ten-minute conversation that you don’t want to have.” This quote was revelatory; I realized many of my interpersonal problems could be resolved if I was willing to be uncomfortable for ten minutes.
I would argue that meditation is not a practice of clearing the mind but rather exploring and tolerating our discomfort.
So what is discomfort, exactly? I believe that discomfort is most easily identified through physical sensations. Our head may take on an anxious or jittery feeling, or our mind might be hyper-alert, lethargic, or foggy. We might get easily distracted or even disassociate from our bodies. Flight, fight, or freeze might kick in, even in small ways. Other physical sensations we may experience when uncomfortable are agitation, coldness, heaviness, heat rising to our face, shoulder tension, grinding our jaw, or a sinking stomach.
Before I urge you to move toward and sit with your discomfort, I want to distinguish between three types of discomfort: Harmful, General, and Helpful.
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HARMFUL DISCOMFORT
Harmful Discomfort is an unpleasant sensation that alerts us that something is wrong. A hostile environment, toxic person, intrusive thought pattern, or traumatic life event may pique this form of discomfort. Harmful Discomfort tells us that our health and well-being are under threat. If you are experiencing this type of discomfort, it’s best to listen to these acute feelings and do what you need to protect yourself.
Harmful Discomfort is so profound that, based on our past experiences, we may develop healthy or unhealthy coping mechanisms to avoid feeling it again. Because of this, we may also use those same coping skills to avoid Helpful or General Discomfort, not even realizing what we’re doing. This is why developing a practice of discerning between these sensations is so important.
HELPFUL DISCOMFORT
Helpful Discomfort can occur when we’re required to go beyond our usual comfort zone. The world is already difficult; it seems foolish to invite any discomfort into our lives. But Helpful Discomfort is key to having positive daily experiences and long-term growth. Because of this, I believe it is worthwhile to sit with and even actively pursue Helpful Discomfort.
One clear example of Helpful Discomfort is exercise. Physical fitness is inherently uncomfortable: it increases your heart rate, intensifies your breathing, and stresses your muscles. But it’s widely known as valuable for the body and mind.
Another Helpful Discomfort I’ve engaged in is biking or walking my son a mile to and from school instead of driving. I live in Chicago, so unpredictable weather and busy streets make daily biking a challenge. Moreover, it takes a few extra minutes to don weather-appropriate clothing and secure our helmets. When weekday mornings already feel hectic, it’s no wonder that most of us choose a more comfortable option: driving. Riding in the car is faster, simpler, and allows us to glide to school in a hermetically sealed bubble of comfort. (We can have silence or music, snacks and hot coffee at hand, and even artificially warmed seats.)
Our bike commute allows for none of that, but every time I pedal my son to school, I find myself exhilarated. My heart beats, and my senses are stimulated; the too-cold or too-hot atmosphere makes me feel alive. Sometimes I want to avoid biking in light rain or snow, but when I do, the experience is magical and even refreshing. Moreover, I’m more aware of what’s happening in my neighborhood and notice delightful details or charming moments I would have otherwise missed. On the days we walk or bike, I am more alert and eager when I return home and begin my workday.
Choosing to walk or bike on our commute is a more uncomfortable and inconvenient option every time, and I often try to talk myself out of it. But I choose this discomfort most of the time, and I have never regretted it. Still, fighting through the discomfort of doing something more difficult or unpleasant, even if it is helpful, is a near-daily task.
GENERAL DISCOMFORT
General Discomfort is not harmful, but it’s not necessarily helpful either. We may experience this discomfort while completing (or avoiding) mundane tasks like laundry or the dishes. It may pop up when we receive an unpleasant email or have a difficult interpersonal encounter. General Discomfort won’t cause us harm, but unlike helpful discomfort, the benefits are limited.
General Discomfort may or may not help us grow, but it’s tolerable enough, and it’s usually benign. However, because we get so used to avoiding Harmful Discomfort, we may also use various coping mechanisms to avoid and offload the feeling of General Discomfort. If the coping or avoidance techniques are healthy, such as taking a walk, a deep breath, or pausing, then there’s no problem.
But if the coping mechanism is unhealthy, such as overeating, mindless scrolling, alcohol, drugs, sex, or constant distraction, then it’s worth developing healthy coping habits or simply sitting with the sensation of General Discomfort until it passes.
THE EXERCISE
Dealing with Discomfort
1. Develop awareness about when you feel discomfort.
All three types of discomfort stir unpleasant sensations in your body and mind, like tension, heaviness, or agitated jumpiness, as described above. Because of that, your body usually has difficulty distinguishing between the three types of discomfort.
So, the first order of business is to recognize that you are uncomfortable. It’s easy enough to start this exercise. Throughout the course of the day, start tracking when you feel unpleasant sensations in your body.
The next order business is to identify what category your discomfort falls into.
2. Is your current body/mind able to distinguish between Harmful, General, and Helpful Discomfort?
a. If the answer is yes, how can you tell? How do your body and mind distinguish between them?
b. If the answer is no, make a three-column list. In one column, list the Harmful Discomfort you experience on an infrequent or regular basis. In another, list any General Discomfort you regularly encounter. The third column should include Helpful Discomfort. The goal of this list is simple: bring more awareness to the distinction between them.
I used the examples below to outline a few types of discomfort I experience regularly.
Harmful Discomfort
Spending time with a toxic friend or relative.
Staying in a job or relationship where I don’t feel valued or respected.
Doom Scrolling.
General Discomfort
Starting and completing work or chores that I find boring.
Giving the wrong answer in a classroom or meeting.
Getting frustrating or upsetting texts or email communications.
The impatience I experience when waiting for a train, when my computer runs slowly, or when the internet goes out.
Helpful Discomfort
Starting and completing work I care about, like a writing assignment.
Getting outside for some fresh air when staying indoors is easier.
Forcing myself to attend a social event that I want to bow out of because I’m tired or the idea of going makes me nervous.
3. Most people have a few habitual reactions to discomfort, so the next step is to identify the healthy and unhealthy ways you cope with discomfort. What unhealthy habits do you employ to offload discomfort?
The most common way to deal with discomfort is to distract yourself with something sensory. These are self-soothing skills we develop as a child that manifest in different ways as an adult.
For example, when I’m writing and encounter a problem or challenge, I find myself leaping out of my chair and opening the refrigerator. Or, checking my phone. In other words, I’ll procrastinate or anxiously avoid the thing that’s making me uncomfortable.
Here are some unhealthy ways you may be offloading your discomfort:
Mindless eating or binge eating;
Mindless consumption or overconsumption of alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes;
Habitually checking your phone or scrolling;
Overtalking or clamming up;
Constant procrastination;
Engaging in mindless, purposeless, or even disassociated sex, masturbation, or pornography;
Zoning out or leaving your body;
Excessive sleeping;
Binge-watching television.
I want to note that all of the above are fine in small doses or when done intentionally. It’s when they are consistently used to avoid discomfort that they become problematic behaviors.
c. Once you can distinguish between them, ask yourself: How can I train my body and mind to notice the difference?
4. Do you have any healthy habits to offload discomfort?
It’s important to remember that tactile and sensory distraction are the easiest way to offload discomfort. This is why phones, food, drugs, and many other habits above provide immediate relief.
My son, Kenny, started throwing outsized tantrums around the age of two and a half. After a year of navigating these outbursts, my husband and I sought the help of a family therapist. She suggested that Kenny’s tantrums resulted from anxiety and explained that one way to ease his stress was by engaging in sensory acts that would ground him in the present moment.
The therapist taught us a great exercise called 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 where, when feeling anxious, you pause for a moment and engage with or become aware of five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
This exercise worked so well with Kenny that I often just needed to redirect him using a single sensory prompt: Feel this cattail. Come smell this incense. Look at that contrail streaking across the sky. When he engaged in something sensory, he’d calm down almost instantly. I started using the exercise myself when I was agitated, and it worked wonders. I realized many of my routine coping mechanisms, such as snacking, doodling, checking my phone, or fidgeting, were already sensory acts. Using a sensory awareness game became a gentler way to ground my emotions.
Keeping the benefits of sensory distractions in mind, what new habits and techniques can you develop to offload discomfort? What healthy habits do you already engage in? Here are a few healthy coping mechanisms, many but not all are sensory techniques:
Exercise;
Breathing;
Doodling;
Getting outside for a walk;
Calling a friend;
Playing the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 sensory awareness game, or simply taking in your environment using one or all of your five senses;
Engaging in aware eating or snacking;
Making coffee or tea and taking the time to savor it;
Playing with a squeeze ball;
Taking a shower or bath;
Taking a brief nap or shavasana;
Writing in a journal.
In addition to developing these sensory habits, consider sitting with the feeling until it passes or until whatever triggered that feeling is no longer discomfort but simply awareness. When I experience discomfort and find myself leaping up for a snack or reaching for my phone, I try to pause and simply sit with the discomfort that uncertainty brings. I may not know the answer, but it’s not in the cabinet or my phone. Sometimes, instead of solving it, diminishing it, or distracting myself from it, I try to sit through the initial discomfort of uncertainty and allow it to pass.
5. Can you opt for short-term discomfort and long-term relief over short-term relief and long-term discomfort?
Now that I’ve been sitting with my own discomfort for longer stretches, I notice how quick I am to opt for short-term relief in situations that ultimately create long-term discomfort. I do this in my own life all the time, but I noticed it most pointedly when a friend of mine, I’ll call her Dina, discussed a workplace incident. Dina was venting about a colleague, I’ll call her Sam, who had come to her with an unfinished legal brief. Upon reading it, Dina instantly knew that Sam hadn’t fully read the document that the brief was summarizing. Normally, Dina would have just written the legal brief herself just to avoid conflict—thus, choosing short-term relief but long-term discomfort.
Instead, Dina kindly but firmly told Sam she needed to take another crack at the work. Angry and possibly embarrassed, Sam retaliated by telling their coworkers that Dina was too busy to help with the brief. Dina balked in frustration, but I knew it was a better trade. Yes, Dina had to endure the short-term discomfort of her colleague being upset and lashing out, but she was right—Sam needed to do her own work. Now, Dina won’t have to shoulder Sam’s work responsibilities. Moreover, she set a boundary that will ensure that Sam won’t take her time for granted in the future.
Start examining the moments you opt for short-term relief that becomes long-term discomfort. Sometimes it involves telling a white lie; other times, it might mean you should be setting a boundary but aren’t. Both can feel easier to avoid at the moment but usually has long-ranging effects.
Can you identify moments in your life where you chose short-term discomfort, and in the long run, it paid off? How can you expand upon moments like this? What do you need to draw on or sit with to make this happen?
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INVITING HELPFUL DISCOMFORT
The exercises above aim to help you learn to identify when you are uncomfortable, distinguish what type of discomfort you are feeling, and either sit with that discomfort until the feeling passes or healthily offload that discomfort.
From there, your next goal is to consider what types of discomfort would be helpful in your life. I also ask you to consider including more of this discomfort in your life instead of avoiding it.
What helpful discomfort do you already engage in? How has that progressed you toward a more fulfilling life? Maybe you like camping, taking on a challenge in your workplace, or getting up before sunrise to exercise. Maybe you keep your thermostat low or take the extra time to line dry your laundry so you can be more gentle on your environment. Celebrate the places where you have learned to tolerate and even welcome discomfort.
What helpful discomfort do you avoid that you would like to move toward or invite? This is a good place to ask, where is avoiding discomfort and seeking comfort holding me back?
How would you like to use discomfort as a teacher? Do you want to expand your social circle, try something you might fail at, or get your heart rate up during a workout? Do you want to expand your tolerance for the unknown or uncomfortable so that you stop engaging in harmful habits? Do you want to stick with a hobby, interest, or pursuit past the point of it being easy or even ‘fun’? Do you want to model the quality of having grit for your children? Do you want to engage in more difficult conversations with the people you love in order to improve your relationships?
Hopefully, you can use these exercises throughout your day, week, and month to bring more awareness to your experiences with discomfort so you can learn from and transform it.
